Comedy Club :P

Okay everyone!

Post your best jokes here at the Comedy Club forum. You don't have to do stand up comedy, you can sit down at your computer. Really it's ok I give you permission.

Hopefully we can all enjoy a few laughs. I look forward to all who post!

Ok, I will start it off. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Don't actually answer. ;) I think that we all know it, unless you have a crazy variation. :P

Why did the chicken cross the road?

so he could visit the chicken strip mall? *BARF GAG*

Okay I want to talk about a serious problem. It is something that has been around since the 1990's. This particular dilemma has been causing people to become irritable, violent, and even depressed. Psychologists are concerned that the mental health of the general population is at risk.

Wondering what I am talking about? Low flow toilets. More like NO FLOW toilets. When I did some research I came across one company's slogan "Low flow toilets - The Only Way to Go." Really? I have found that low flow is the best way not to go. A standard toilet uses about 13.2 liters  or for you Americans 3.5 gallons per flush. A low flow uses 6 liters or 1.6 gallons. Does this make a lot of sense to anyone? Would cutting a car's gas tank by more than 50% make it more fuel effiecient?
Car salesman: "Yes it's a great car! It uses 50% less fuel than a standard car!"
But that is because the tank is half the size, so you fill it up twice as much.

So you end up paying $259.99 for a decorative toilet, which people will try to use because they think that it is a real toilet. To give an analogy, this is the equivalent of a dollar store water pistol that has the hard plastic trigger that cuts you every time you try and use it. Meanwhile, the rich people have the pressure washers that can blow your face off. No comparison.

Indeed there is a growing water crisis, but really should we make sacrifices when it comes to toilets? What about all the water parks opening up all the time? I'm just saying we are going to have many more problems immediately if we don't resolve this low flow problem.

Imagine for a moment that every toilet in the world was switched to a low flow toilet. If it so happened that every toilet was used at the same time. Now these low flow toilets become, how should I put it politely, obstructed. Wouldn't something terrible happen like the world explodes? That kind of pressure build up could cause a rip through time and space, potentially opening up a worm hole that eats the entire universe.

As a final thought, I have someone's personal experience with a low flow toilet. To protect his identity I will call him Wark. Don't ask if it is me because my name is Mark and Wark is completely different. If one is to cause a low flow toilet to become, compromised, out of service, whatever, you will try and restore that toilet to its previous function. So you end up with a garage full of magical tools to try and fix the problem. But no nothing will work and you will end up trying to flush the toilet hmmm maybe 20 times?

WAIT A SECOND! It is only low flow if you flush it once right? A normal toilet uses 13.5 liters and works just fine the first time. If you flush a low flow more than twice you are actually CONSUMING MORE WATER! GASP! Is this all a scam? If you did flush a low flow toilet 20 times it would add up to....calculator....120 liters. OH MY GOODNESS. We are actually depleting the water supply almost 9 times faster than using regular toilets.

I will end my rant here. But the war against low flows rages on everyday. Everyday I am reminded of their pitiful lack of function. Whoops I mean Wark is reminded of their pitiful function.

Well said my brother Wark, oh oops was I not supposed to say that?

This is the best I've got......How do you make a handkerchief dance????????????????????????????????????????????????????


Put a little boogie in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (I know, I am lame!!!)

Contributions are always appreciated! The handkerchief is a classic one.

what'd the snail say when it got on the turtle's back? WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*explosive giggles*

LOL I've never heard that one!

you need to eat more laffy taffy

A guy goes into his doctor for his annual check up. As the evaluation ends, the doctor says, well everything looks good to me, is there anything you need to talk about?

The guy looks at his doctor a little embarrassed and goes, "well yeah. I mean doc we go back so many years, but still I am embarrassed to admit that I have been hearing voices." The doctor turns to the man and says, "Jim, you have been coming to me for 25 years there is nothing to be embarrassed about, I can give you medicine for this." So he writes out a prescription and tells Jim to come back in a week. 

Jim comes back and the doctor asks how things are going. His response is, "well better, but I am starting to hallucinate with the pills you gave me." The doctor looks at him and says, "Sugar, that's not good, well maybe I can prescribe something else..." Jim says, "No doctor, you don't have to worry about, for the first time in fifteen years I have been able to see who has been talking to me."

I don't have any jokes that wouldn't offend anyone!!! Ahh! >.<

what's brown and sticky? 

a stick

These are just a few that I've found recently that I thought were pretty funny:

1.    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

2.    Son - "Dad what’s the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

3.    Blonde: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean?
Brunette: I don't know.
Blonde: Oh my god NOBODY KNOWS!

Haha funny jokes everyone. :P I laughed out loud to all of them. ;) Then I started rolling on the floor while I was laughing. :P

Here are some funny ever wonder jokes that I found.

Why don't you ever see the headline "psychic wins lottery"

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practise"

Why is it that the time of day with the slowest traffic is called "rush hour"

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together.


Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad DRESSING!!

This is kinda cheesey, but it made me laugh when I first heard it!

Haha at least cheese has no carbs. ;) Haha I enjoyed the joke!

Haha that is so true! and thanks :)

[quote user="C"]

what's brown and sticky? 

a stick


That's an anti-joke.  :)

Just like: 

Q: What did the farmer say who lost his tractor?

A: "Where's my tractor?"



What did the red fish say to the sad, navy one?

You're blue.

What's blue and smells like green paint?

Blue paint.