Diabulimia, eating disorders, and I just don't care anymore... HELP

Hi,

I’m new, but not new to diabetes. I was diagnosed at age 3, I’m now almost 27. I have never been the best diabetic, but the past few years have literally been awful for so many reasons. I’ve always had issues around food (what diabetic hasn’t?) I’ve had an eating disorder since around age 12. I swore to myself no matter how bad things got, I would not use my diabetes as an aid in my eating disorder. This all went to shit over 2 years ago. My mother died suddenly and traumatically of a massive brain aneurism while she was driving me home. I watched it all. She was everything to me. My father wasn’t around while I was growing up. He was a drug addict and also had type 1 diabetes (there’s enough psychological trauma there). After my mom died, I completely lost myself. I didn’t care anymore about anything. I wanted to die and my eating disorder ran rampant. I started doing what I told myself I would never do, because I hated myself and I hated life, I hated life without her. I just wanted to be with her. Needless to say things spiraled out of control pretty quickly. My a1c was over 14 and I could feel myself dying. I was admitted to Eating Recovery Center in Colorado. I lasted a few weeks and went AMA twice. My grandma also passed away while I was at treatment. Wasn’t my first stint in recovery. Now I’m back home in NYC and everything is going back to the way it was. I had my a1c down to 10, but I’m sure it’s gone back up. I continue to omit my insulin. I can’t stand the feeling of food inside of me and I need to get rid of it the second I swallow it. I don’t even think my body can process food normally anymore. I’m weak and a shell of myself. I’m extremely depressed. I don’t see a way out of this. I feel like I’m bound to die from this… and part of me doesn’t care. I feel like I have lost everything and I am so tired of living this horribly miserable existence. I keep asking myself if I’m ready to throw in the towel, to just accept the fact that this will kill me because I can’t stop. I don’t know if I want to. I hate every second of this disease. I don’t know how people manage with it. I don’t have the strength or energy to try. I don’t know what my point is or why I’m writing this. I don’t know what to do anymore and I fear that I have given up on myself. I guess I’d just like to talk to someone if there’s anyone willing. Maybe someone has gone through something similar or is struggling with the same mindset. I don’t have parents or family to turn to. My therapist won’t see me because I have refused treatment for my eating disorder and thinks I’m too sick to be helped at this point. I feel like I have nothing and that it wouldn’t even matter if I died from this. I just need someone to talk to, just a glimmer of recognition. Thank you to whoever reads this.

I’m sorry I missed your post earlier. I don’t know how much we can help on this site other than to empathize with your issues, which have compounded for you over the years. I’m very sorry to hear about your parents and your feelings of isolation. Being in a huge and fast-paced city like NYC when you’re feeling isolated is probably not helping. Is there an option to move to Long Island, back to Colorado, or some other less populated area that would allow you to get more involved in community and personal relationships?

I can understand why your therapist would feel it is unproductive to see you until you seek treatment. As the saying goes, you can’t help someone that refuses to help themselves. So that’s it, the ball is in your court. First accept that we all die from something eventually, whether it’s diabetes-related or not. All you can do is try to postpone the inevitable as long as possible and try to feel as good as possible for what time you have in this world. No guarantees and we are not immortal. But if you don’t take action, you’re letting the disease get the best of you. Diabetes sucks…don’t let it do that, don’t give it that power. You can be stronger than that.

First start by investigating areas with good treatment centers, and especially look for ones that deal with “diabulimia”, an eating disorder that involves reducing or avoiding insulin to control weight. I was there during high school and college, but nobody talked about it then.

Hopefully these links will help:


https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/diabulimia-5

Hi. I’m a t1d also. Im an extremely brittle diabetic and I can 100% empathize with having struggles with this horrible disease. I too have several times wanted to give up on life because sometimes things seem so overwhelming and frankly feeling like crap everyday sucks! I can’t even tell you how many times I just have totally ignored my diabetes because I’m so tired of sticking myself with a needle. This disease takes away so much of life. But what you have to remember is, life can and will get better. I truly do believe this. I am here for you!! Sometimes people just need to vent or cry on someone’s shoulder because life has dealt us a bad hand with this. So many people who aren’t diabetic have no understanding of what we go through. The fatigue, weakness, and pain that goes with it all. Please just know there are so many of us who are there for you and understand. Contact me anytime for a shoulder to lean on😊

You are writing this because you really, really don’t want to die. You don’t want to suffer, and you don’t deserve to. Nobody deserves this. I want to help you, I feel your pain and I have also struggled with eating (aka not eating) and my diabetes / my body/ my mind.

I’ve felt moments where I wouldn’t mind if the world just fucking stopped- but I am so happy now that it hasnt. And I want to help you find a place where you’re glad you kept going. I am not far from NYC- about 45 min out in Westchester.

PLEASE email me if you see this- elissa.juan@purchase.edu

or add my facebook- Nina Juan.

Don’t give up. I care about you, even if you are a stranger to me

eyolleck - I read your post as a non-member and immediately joined so I could comment and hopefully give you some hope. I have had T1 for 20 years (I’m 33), and have certainly gone through stages of diabetes burnout (three times in 20 years). I have not lived with an eating disorder as well, so in that respect, I can offer no help. I will say this though… You mentioned that your therapist won’t see you “because I have refused treatment for my eating disorder and thinks I’m too sick to be helped at this point.” You need a new therapist. That person is not, and probably was never in the right mindset to help you. I feel terribly for you that you felt even a professional would not help you. While there is that saying that “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves”, the fact that you posted what you did is a sure sign that you are in need of help and are actively asking for it. I am in grad school now for Human Services Counseling and I hope to get my license within the next 3 years to practice on my own. I would like to focus on trauma and addiction, since the two are so closely linked. I wish we were somewhat local, because I would love to help you, even though I am not even close to being able to clinically counsel you. You wrote “I feel like I have nothing and that it wouldn’t even matter if I died from this.” I hope I am not too late in writing this message to you. Please look into finding a therapist who can help with your diabetes, as well as your eating disorder and depression. Don’t be afraid to “doctor shop” until you find the person who is right for YOU. Think outside of the box as well. Maybe a life coach or non-traditional therapist or counselor would be beneficial for you. You have had a lot of trauma in your life, and at only 27, you shouldn’t have to feel so alone, like you are a lost cause or that you’re worthless. You ARE worth it! Please let me know if I can help you in any way, even if it means just being there for you when you need someone to talk to.

Hi there, LOVE-
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG…I HOPE YOU FIND SOMETHING IN IT TO HELP YOU MOVE FORWARD <3
You have been through so much…and still…you persevere. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!! There is something that keeps some of us going, even when we do not feel or realize our own worth. I agree with others here that you must find a counselor that you connect with and will also be truthful with. I’ve been there.
Sexually abused by my own father throughout my formative years (3-13), I found a counseling center (at a teaching hospital) while in college and saw someone for awhile who was awesome! Not so much awesomeness for me after that for a few years.
Three months after a back injury, I was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes. I was 23, in my second year of teaching, and a needle-phobe. Over the years, I’ve had a number of other, (some not so wonderful) Psychologists, Psychiatrists and other Therapists. Saw a wonderful person consistently for a few years and then felt comfortable moving on for awhile without counseling. After many years without any counseling, I am now currently seeing a Social Work Therapist with whom I have made an amazing connection!
It takes a bit of effort to find the right person for you. Sometimes you need professional help, sometimes not…Sometimes it takes anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication to help. I sometimes hate medication and want for it all to just go away. Then I come to the realization that I NEED certain things and just need to move on. I have binge eating episodes, but do not expel things. I am far from over-weight, yet wouldn’t call myself skinny. I look fit to the world (wear clothes really well), but I also know that I need to exercise and do strength training to help my body be strong and truly fit. Something I have avoided (and continue to do so) for many years due to painful injuries and also because I do look good on the outside.
Inside…quite another story. After over 30 ears with T1D, I have been, so far, fortunate to have avoided complications, and not always had optimal BG levels or A1C numbers. I learned early on that referring to myself as a “good” vs “bad” diabetic" was not helpful to my psyche. It’s not about ME as a person being “bad” or “good”, it’s about ME as a person "DOING things that are worthy, for myself and/or others.
Everyone makes choices. Every single thing we do is a choice…from getting up in the morning, to choose to walk past the candy aisle and not buy that chocolate bar or canister of potato chips. It’s hard! Some days are harder than others. One day at a time.
Get through just one day (or one hour, or one minute, or one second), and move on to the next.
I always feel better when I CHOOSE to look away from the things that will not be of benefit to my body. Doesn’t mean I always CHOOSE to look away, or not buy it, or not eat it. Sometimes…I make the choice to not walk past it, and then buy it, and maybe take a bite, and realize that it is not the choice I want to be making, and then dump it in the next garbage can. Sometimes, just seeing the garbage can as I am walking will trigger that action. Choice. That choice is a step in the right direction to more appropriate choices.
Taking a step back doesn’t mean all is lost and we are stuck in the gutter. One step out is all it takes. Hard? Yes…but it’s a choice in the right direction. All the best to you! LOVE <3

Two of my favorite quotes (I printed them and put them up at work and at home)
“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Friedrich Nietzsche
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt