I know about having a personality that clashes with having diabetes, too. Having the disease is bad enough, but then to feel so complacent about it that you don't even take care of yourself in the most basic ways (testing, correcting, etc.) just adds insult to injury.
That's the way I used to think about it, anyway. That type of victim-thinking isn't only demoralizing, it's destructive.
It's also not fair to YOU. You deserve to experience your life the same as anyone else, with or without diabetes. That said, even though habits are hard to break, you owe it to yourself and to all the people that care about and love you to stop fighting the battle alone. Because, as I've found, you can't do it alone. Yes, we have all the new devices and machines that have brought us to where we are today, but really, none of it matters if you don't want to use them. And WANTING to use them takes emotional support, combined with a healthy dose of knowledge, topped off with the self-loving routine of NOT beating yourself up.
As far as emotional support and learning to be easier on yourself, you've made an excellent start by speaking up here. There's also a lot of knowledge and sanity to be gained by reading about the experiences (successes AND failures) of others.
As far as my story, although I'm reluctant to tell it most of the time, I was Dx at the age of 10, 34 years ago. I've gone through adolescence, early adulthood, and early middle-age with this disease, and I've finally figured out...it's not going away. Even though it was drummed into my head continuously throughout my life that what I had was incurable and wouldn't go away, I deluded myself with the belief that a cure was just around the corner, and if it wasn't, there would soon be a time when I could just strap on a device that did all the work for me. Then voila! No more diabetes, no more looming complications, no more sticks on the fingers, no more reactions, etc., etc., . Well, a fat lot of good that's done. It's been 34 years of having this disease, there’s not a cure, and an artificial pancreas is still hanging beyond our reach (at least as a realistic possibility on a wide spread basis for those of us with T1). And what have I got? Type 1 diabetes. Still. Plus some really annoying and un-fun complications. The most serious of which aren’t going away whether I get cured or not. The damage is done.
Despite what I just revealed, I'm really not a stupid person. I'm just a person with diabetes who’s finding out that she MUST change....or I really will die. I've come to this conclusion after years and years of dreams undreamt, chances not taken, and miracles not seen because I chose to deny my condition. (I also have retinopathy in both eyes, a huge scar in the middle of my chest from quadruple bypass surgery, an obscenely messed up digestive system, multiple hospital stays with DKA, extremely low blood sugars, and a host of other goodies that long-term T1's get to experience when they don't believe they're ever going to die...at least not any sooner than other people like them.)
That being said, I want you to know that I'm on the same journey you are. I've had to start pulling up the boot straps and doing what I always felt to be such a burden - taking care of myself. I've started slowly with checking my BS more often, then I started actually keeping track of my numbers, then I started being a bit more careful about what I ate, and last night I actually took a long, invigorating walk (with my dogs, of course...like I said, you can't do this alone). Next on my road to reality, I get to go see my endocrinologist for the first time in about four years. (When I set the appointment, I made it for two weeks away because I knew I'd need all that time to get myself psyched up enough to actually walk into his office.)
Anyway, I don't know what new and amazing step of self-preservation that I'll take next. Maybe start the process of getting my insurance company to cover a CGM. (Upon inquiry, I was told that my insurance company views the CGM devices as "investigational and experimental" and will, therefore, NOT extend coverage for my use of them. How nice.) Whatever happens, I do know a few things for sure since I've started on my road to diabetes-denial recovery: 1) I am going to die...someday; 2) I feel SO much better; 3) it really DOES only take 15 carbs to get rid of a low; 4) doctors are my friends (well, usually); 5) even if I don't have as long to live as other people my age, I can make the time I've got better than what it has been; and 6) lite beer ain't so bad.
God bless and all my hopes and prayers for you on your journey, Ryan. You'll need them. The good thing is that they're not in short supply, at least not around here.
Other than all of that, all I can say is - Keep up the good fight! It's worth it in the end! Keep your chin up! Wear your rain boots! Don't talk to strangers! Say your prayers! Hug your mother! (You're not alone.)