I'm just angry

i am a mother to an amazing little boy named seth. seth was dxd sept 1 2010. he had his 9th birthday a few weeks later. he does so very well with all of this. as do i for the most part. i am a control freak so all of this just gets pushed into the schedule of our everyday lives. and we do very well with it, considering. but tonight, for some reason, i have all this emotion trying to come out. which i hate. because i try so very hard to just keep it together. i have no time for tears and anger. but my goodness, i can't stop crying tonight! all the fears i have for my son are just flooding out...and the anger of why has this happened? it makes me so angry that this innocent little boy has to struggle with this for the rest of his life. all the stares he gets when trying to check his sugar or give a shot...all the unwanted advice from strangers...all the questions...all the lows when he''s just trying to be a normal boy and play with his friends...all the highs that make him feel like he's losing his mind...the list goes on forever. i'm scared to death. completly scared. i want to be able to look at my son and promise him everything is going to be ok...that i'm going to protect him. and the truth is...i will try my best...but i don't know what is going to happen. i have no idea what this disease will do to him.

i'm sorry for being a whiney hiney...just needed to get it out.

thanks for listening.

You are not whining - at all!  You're expressing emotions that we all feel, and sites like this are a great place to do that.  Everyone here can identify with what you're saying.

For me personally, I have had type 1 for 24 years, and have no major complications so far.  That's not to say that I haven't struggled with it or that it's been easy.  While no one knows what the future will hold for them, I think you can take some comfort in a few things. 

1.  If there was ever such a thing as a "good time" to be diagnosed with diabetes, this is it.  There are so many management tools available now that weren't even thought of yet when I was diagnosed.  Technology also seems to be advancing faster and faster, the farther down the diabetes road I go.

2.  So many people before him have gone through this, and we're still here.  We'll be here for you, and for him, whenever you or he needs it.  Amazing strength can be drawn simply from talking to others that "get it".

3.  I know it's hard to see this now, but a diagnosis of type 1 can make you a "better" person.  I believe we, as people with diabetes, are stronger, more resilient, more compassionate, and more highly in tune with our bodies than most other people.  Diabetes teaches us some tough lessons, but also makes us appreciate life a little bit more - because we recognize the fraility of it.

Please reach out to us here any time you have questions, or just need some encouragement and support.  We're all here for you and your son, and we'll get through this together.

Best wishes,

Kim

That's all you had to do, get it out. I wish i could honestly sit here and tell anyone that their son or daughter will be fine, but I am not a doctor, and I wish, but cannot, see into someone's future. I can tell you i have had the same fears and cried the same tears. It gets easier as time goes on. Since my sons diagnosis at the age of two, who is now fifteen, we have had two seizure episodes.  His mothers diligent  and careful control, along with switching to an insulin pump I believe are the reasons why he is doing good, and I should also mention having a good doctor and following his or her directions. If you look, sure, you will find stories of bad things that happen to people with diabetes. The thing is, you don't always know how well their diabetes was managed. So instead, look for the good stories. Here is one for you... My son's doctor is himself a type 1 diabetic (Dr. John Malone), diagnosed at seventeen years old in the 1950's, and is now almost seventy years old and still a doctor, doing well and seeing patients.

You also mention "why has this happened" which I think everyone dealing with diabetes asks at some point. You could ask God, which I plan on doing, first thing, as soon as I see him. In the meantime, in general, they say "a combination of genetic and environmental factors". Well, in my family, no one had type 1 diabetes though a grandma had type 2 in her elder years and she was overweight and did not take care of herself. I truly believe we are doing it to ourselves with immunizations. The schools require crap loads of them. Our bodies are unique and complex, no two are the same. How can anyone know for sure what all those immu's will do when mixed up in such a complex system we call our body? It may take a year or two in one person, or nine years in another, or never at all in the next, but I really feel at some point something doesn't mix right and the result is diabetes. It's just my gut feeling, I have nothing to back that up with. So far my gut feelings have never let me down.

Lastly, here is some conspiracy theory, it's always a good thing to take your mind off your fears and put it somewhere else. I also think the billion dollar drug companies know exactly what is going on, and if they can help it, there will never be a cure. Their greed outweighs their compassion for people living with diabetes. There is no money in a cure for them, and if I could prove that I would be talking to God about it already, because that's where they would send me.

I agree with Kim. I think having diabetes has just made my daughter that much more of an amazing person. She feels others pain, she is quick to want to help and she is so independent and sure for 6 years old. 

As a mom of a diabetic, I feel the same things you do. I worry about things that might not even happen or happen for years and years. I have a vision of Chasey's diabetes as a wave. Sometimes it's a lull, the bottom of the wave and things are going along fine and she's healthy and happy and then we hit the up swing and it's hard, really really hard. Not every day is the same and things can change quick and often and that's frustrating, and then we have a week when her numbers are good and she's active and just a regular kid. And it's those times that I know for the moment things are alright. 

I worry about when she gets older if she will agree with the way that we have taken care of her. Strangers opinions and unwanted advice bug me greatly. But I have just decided that people are uneducated and love to share their knowledge with you. I just smile and thank them for their thoughts and walk away knowing that it's me that knows best for my daughter.

Things will get better. I promise. It's a journey. Every day is a blip in time and if that day doesn't go well, we will get up and try again tomorrow. 

Your feelings are normal. Its hard the first few months. You are so busy trying to get it and a little overwhelmed with it all them bam anger one day. It fades and you feel normal emotionally again for a while then bam sadness hits or maybe anger it again but its not as bad as the first go around. It gets better. I had to accept that my daughter has D why doesnt matter and we just have deal in the here and now day to day in order for me to deal with it. Oh and to always remember I am a mom not a pancreas. I can only do so much and that part is directed at my inner control freak.

Like everyone else on here has said, the emotions you're feeling are totally normal. When I was diagnosed, my mom cried all the time. She kept saying that she wished it was her that had the diabetes, because I was only 13 and very involved in sports, so how did this happen? She was more depressed than I ever was about the diagnosis.

One thing I have learned from diabetes is how strong you actually have to be. At age 13, I was strong enough to tell my mom that she needed to stop crying because what happened happened, there's no changing it. I told her that I had diabetes because God thought that I could handle it.

It's unfair that young kids are diagnosed with diabetes, but it could be a much worse diagnosis. I am thankful that I have diabetes and not something worse, because diabetes is easy to live with and have control of compared to other diseases.

Just remember, everything will get better with time.

DON'T be sorry.  This is so necessary, a part of the healing process.

I can tell you from what I experienced after my own diagnosis six months ago that at first, I was in survival mode.  I was scared, yeah, but I was mostly pretty numb about it...  Then came anger and depression, full-force.  I think it's not uncommon to start something like this without really knowing how you feel, because there's no room for anything but learning survival skills.  But you still have to sort out your emotions, no matter how much you hate the the wrench they throw in the process of learning how to handle the disease.  It's unavoidable, and healthy.

You're right that you can't absilutely promise him that everythnig will be alright... but you couldn't promise him that even if he didn't have D.  All you can promise him, D or no D, is that you're going to give him every chance possible to be happy and healthy.  The treatments now are pretty dang effective, and progressively less intrusive and visible, and it's only going to improve further.  It's possible now for an insulin dependent diabetic to stay as healthy as a non-diabetic.  I know that doesn't fix anything for you or your son, but I still think it helps to remember that the tools to keep him healthy are available now.

It's so not fair that this happens to young children and I can see how it would make a parent feel helpless at times.  But I have to say, I think the parents of children with diabetes (and other chronic diseases) are absolute heroes.  I can already tell you're going to be an amazing one, and I'm confident your boy is going to do very well.

Pretty much echoing what everyone else said. My daughter is just a little older than your son. She was diagnosed last March, at age 10. It was a total shock. I hadn't known a single person with type 1 diabetes since I was a kid, and he was an older boy who lived down the block. The only think I remember was my mom telling me he had type 1 diabetes, which was pretty much the sum total of my knowledge on the subject.

But for me, having a kid who was constantly experiencing the symptoms of undiagnosed diabetes (vomiting frequently, losing weight, low energy, constantly feeling ill, near fainting several times - and we took her to the doctor MULTIPLE times for all these things, and they never found anything until she was in full blown DKA!) was much worse. Now I know what I need to do for her and she knows what to do for herself. She's SO much healthier now, and happier because she's again able to engage in the activities she loves and do well.

So while it's a pain in the patootie to deal with D constantly, there's not an hour that goes by that I don't think about it (though I think Sarah's down to thinking about it pretty much around meal and snack times), it's life. It's not fair, but life rarely is. There's that old saying, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger - and that's SO true of the D kids I know. I've met several through various local networking opportunities. Two girls are amazingly talented blackbelts, a boy is like total little football star dude, and my own Sarah, who had the opportunity to sing to 1300 of her peers at a diabetes walk recently and from there has been invited to do a full concert at a banquet for a local hospital. Sarah has matured from a kid into a young woman in the last eight months. She's more focused, not just on her health, but on school, and her passions for theater and singing. I attribute much of this to the learning and maturing she's had to do to deal with her diabetes. I'm not glad she has it, but I'm glad she's making the most of her situation.

But back to your point, we still have our lows. Last night I was freaked out myself because she was lower than I expected a bit after bedtime. I just woke her slightly and brought her into our bed (the other alternative was a 2am wake-up). This happens pretty frequently because I can't always deal with having her alone all night. It's my way of coping I guess. I don't really worry much during the day because she's always with someone.

It will get better and easier, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.

i want to thank all of you for your response! :D today is back to normal for me and i'm feeling much better. just have those freak out days where all i can do is cry sometimes.

i woke this morning and went to check on seth and start getting him ready for school. he was already awake in bed waiting for me to come in...."hiding" under his blanket...when i went to wake him up he poked his little head out slowly peeking over the edge of the blanket...saw me, and threw his covers off screaming "surprise!" and cracking up as loud as possible. you know those good hearty belly laughs? :)  yeah...those little things right there...remind me we're gonna be alright.

seth told me something day 2 after being dxd that i repeat to myself EVERYDAY.  "i am not controlled by my diabetes. i control it."

today is a BEAUTIFUL day outside and we are going to be thankful for everything we have in this day....and tomorrow, well, we'll worry about that when it gets here. :)

I'm glad your day is going better! I know I always feel better after a good, long cry!

I've had T1 since 1982, and sometimes I still feel angry too, like, "Why me???" But, it's not the same acute stress of a new diagnosis because it's part of my life now. It gets better even with the bumps in the road in between... For me, life with T1 has it's good periods (like finding Juvenation, or like when the CGM technology got better) and it's bad periods (the hormonal changes in puberty). But, when I'm down, I read the "Long Life" stories (that's not the exact name -- maybe someone can jump in here?) on "Diabetes Forecast" magazine online and feel thinkful I wasn't diagnosed in 1935, or worse, 1835... I also just try to take things one day at a time, and not worry what next month or year will bring.

I think feeling like we can't protect our children from life's stresses is a terrible feeling! I sometimes want to wrap my son in a protective bubble until he's 25. (; I'm coming from the other perspective, worrying that any little ailment he has is b/c of my diabetic pregnancy. But, that's gotten easier for me too as time passes...

Anyways, you're not alone on here, and even though life w/ this disease can be tougher, it's totally possible to live a "normal" life, and I'm sure your family and son will find a way to do that!

Terry, I'm glad you are feeling better. But as others have said, what you are feeling is normal, as is the timing. I can only echo that even though you feel like "I don't have time for this", you must make the time to feel your feelings. Otherwise, they have a crazy way of creeping into other areas of your life and making them fall apart too. (Like wreaking havoc on your health, or your relationships, or your work, etc.) It took me 2 months before I was up for almost a whole night crying and finally admitting to myself that "It is OK to feel sad!" You are grieving a lot of things: your child's perfect health, your normal routine, what you expected for the future. It is OK to be sad or angry about losing those things! You come to realize that they aren't really gone, but just changed, just as other things in life would change them but maybe not in such a shocking way.

One technique I came upon was to imagine that I could put all my 'negative' feelings in a box and I would take them out every day or so for an hour and work thru them - crying, screaming, doing really physical yard work, journaling. After the hour was up, I'd put them away and not think, worry about them until the next time. It helped me work thru and feel all those things and process and now I feel like I'm in a much healthier emotional place than I was even before my son's dx.

And you can come here whenever and whine to your heart's content. No one will ever be down on you for that here.

Me too and I know that this is normal. I have had a few sorry weeks! Two weeks ago my 20 year old who has had type 1 living on the edge was struck by a car and Life Flighted to the Trama center in Atlanta. The worse of his injuries was trama to his face and a broken arm. Both will heal in a year but with PT and while he was there they missed his DKA. They sent him home like this and I had to take him for more care. I got all of this taken care of and last week my precious 16 year old amazing daughter came home and diagnosed herself. I was in denial coping with all of the trama for the accident. I took her as a precautionary and she was right! I know it sucks but  treat him as you did before! I know that my kids feed off of me and if I am scared they are scared! I am here for you okay!

 

 

Firstly, your not being whiney, your being a concerned parent. My mom acted the same way. I disinctly remember it, though I was not concerned.

Secondly, We don't know a cure won't come along. It's out there, we just have to find it.

Thirdly, sometimes a pump can help. It gives you more fredom and I like it a whole lot better then six shots a day.

Fourthly, I think I heard something about an artificial pancreas, so that's something to look forward to!

Fifthly (running out of numbers, so I'd better finish up!), you can live a normal life with diabetes, it just has a few challenges. I've had it since I was small and I'm in pretty good physical condition (I can do more puch ups and sit ups then the majority of boys and I can run real fast, so I get a kick out of gym.) Just remember, there are thousands and thousands of people in the same boats as you and your son, and we're all here to help if you need it (even though I'm just fourteen.)

I'm glad you are feeling better!  Welcome to the Diabetes roller coaster!  You'll be going at a good clip, and BAM!  Tears.  Let yourself grieve when you need to.  I know your heart is broken, and you worry constantly for your son.  But as others have written, all is well!  Many many have been diagnosed before our children, in times when technology was a far cry from what it is today.  Much love to you! 

i'm so sorry kathy! <3 prayers sent your way!

and yes meri that is exactly what i call this! a ROLLERCOASTER! but the last couple weeks i'm out of the crying mode and back into suck-it-up and go mode. lol. no time for tears...we have too much to do around here. :) it is what it is and we gotta move on from there.

i must say...all the support i have found is what has given me this better attitude and strong legs. thank you to everyone here.

I always knew how it had affected me growing up with diabetes, but never really understood how draining it was on my mom. Talk about an eye opener :/

I think I need to go out and buy her some roses now lol

ha! roses would be nice! :)

Glad to hear you're doing better.   Hang in there.  I'm also a parent of a recently diagnosed child with type 1.  We have formed a small parent group in my town that meets every month or so.   It's a great resource and we have an opportunity to laugh at ourselves and some of the crazy (stressful) things we, and our kids, are dealing with.  See if you have one in your area.  Ask your dr. or diabetes care aides to help you find one.  It's a great resource and sanity break.  Good luck.  (Mary Tyler Moore's last book "Growing Up Again" is a wonderful read on her life with diabetes and her work with JDRF.  It gives you HUGE hope for the future while discussing the realities of living with the disease today.)