It's been 13 years since I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Actually, 13 years and 5 months to be exact. And I still feel like I'm all alone in the world.
None of my friends have diabetes. No one in my school has diabetes. Not even in my old school. I have no one to talk to who REALLY knows what I'm going through. I just want to lock myself in my room and cry.
My parents say they understand, but they don't. They don't have to walk around with calluses all over their fingers and an infusion site sticking out of their back. They don't have people constantly asking them why they make themselves bleed and what that weird black bag in their purse is. They don't have people stare at them during class when their insulin pump reminds them it's time to check their blood sugar. They don't have to deal with this. I do.
I tried going to diabetes camp. I went 3 times.The first time was so much fun, and I made great friends. It was nice to talk to people who knew what I was going through. But I was young and didn't talk to them much after camp.
The second year went ok. I was one of the only campers with a pump and the counselors did not get taught on the pump AT ALL. So when I woke up with a 500 blood sugar in the middle of the night and they told me to go back to bed without a correction, I knew I was alone in the world again. Of course I snuck myself insulin, because I knew it was the right thing to do. But I quickly found out at 6 in the morning when I puked my guts out and was in ketoacidosis that my pump was not working. I went to the hospital that day and had to have an IV put in me. Away from my fellow campers, into a building in a city where I knew no one. It was agony.
The third year I got sick again, this time not related to diabetes, and had to come home early. I wasn't even there for 5 days. Again, alone in the world.
So the three times that I had a chance to talk to people who knew what I was going through were ruined.
There are so many times I resent my life because of diabetes. I use to think it made me unique. I use to say "I am not defined by my disease. I am not a diabetic. I'm just Audrey, a girl who has diabetes."
But now, I look in the mirror and all I see is a freaky diabetic girl. The girl all the boys are afraid to date because they think I'm going to keel over on the first date, or give them diabetes. They don't understand it, and how can I explain it to them? They don't care.
I hate it....I just want to be normal.
I'm sorry for complaining and I'm sorry that I may seem like a Debby Downer. I just really needed to get this off my chest.