I’ve been keeping in my emotions and I need to get them out. Here goes nothing…
Ever since I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, I felt like the odd one out. Like, no one got me, or no one knew what I was going through. Yes, I have my family and friends who support me and help me through this, but I feel alone. I feel alone in this fight. I feel like I’m not strong enough. I am a Christian, but I often find myself yelling at God.
“God, why did you give me diabetes?”
“Am I strong enough for this?”
“Why can’t I be normal like everyone else!”
“Why, why, WHY?”
The questions can go on and on. There is just one question that pops in my head 24/7: “Am I strong enough?” I often feel like I am not strong enough for diabetes… or at life in general. I feel like I am sinking and I can’t find my way up. Negative thoughts overpower my brain. Thoughts like " Worthless. Not good enough. Fat. Ugly." I can’t get rid of them. Sometimes, they get so bad, I can’t breathe. Okay, I CAN breathe, it just seems like I can’t. I tend to lock myself in a bathroom stall until I’m calm again. Or when I’m outside and they act up again, I walk around and take deep breathes until my thoughts are normal and I can breathe normally again.
I feel sad all the time, and I don’t even know why. Some days, I’m fine, and some days I’m lying in my bed at 2 am questioning my existence.
I don’t know if anyone read this, but if you did… thank you. I feel a little bit better knowing someone who is going through the same thing as me (having diabetes) read this. I might post more vents because I have a lot to say, but please tell me if I’m annoying and I will stop.