I am a newly retired paramedic. I thought when I met my soon to be wife, a nurse and T1D, her chronic illness would be “easy.” I assumed “I’ve seen highs and lows. I know what I’m getting into.” She has a pump. She eats fairly well but I don’t fault her for giving into occasional cravings. She does drink beer on the weekend and that doesn’t help at all.
As the wedding approaches, 30 days from today, her lows are lower and her highs are higher. I know stress plays a large role in this. I keep thinking cold feet maybe.
For the last 4-5 months, she has had some SERIOUS bouts of screaming, crying, name calling … mostly associated with lows as shortly after her episodes begin, I’m getting alerts from dexcom she’s dropped.
I’m extremely careful to be sensitive to her feelings when she’s “low.” I discreetly encourage her to eat, drink, suspend the pump.
Now… even when she’s dropping but not to the point she typically (historically speaking) can maintain reason… she blatantly REFUSES to eat and won’t touch her pump. She continues to cry , scream, wake up the neighbors, throw things… I’ve felt fairly close to being hit but have had the sense to leave the room for a moment when that time comes.
As the wedding gets closer, she’s dipped into the 30’s and it isn’t until I give her the option of eating or calling the medics, Will she eat. And then when the food is in front of her, she eats it as slowly as possible… I know she’s nauseous so I don’t push it.
In the moment I’m getting ready to call the medics, I asked her today “Do you want to die? Why are you doing this?”
I know I won’t get a rational answer. I’m just verbalizing my thoughts. But she responded, “I don’t want to live.” Knowing I’m capable of having her medically and mentally cleared on a psych hold for that comment regardless of her bgl, she retracts her comment quickly… giving me the impression she IS thinking with some sound mind.
What makes it worse is she won’t acknowledge her sugar was low tomorrow… or apologize. Then I feel guilty- feeling like it’s similar to asking a cancer patient to apologize for chemo brain.
Does this make sense?
Today was not a good day. As I sit her checking the dexcom app every 5 minutes, she sleeps, I realized I need help.
I’ve heard “I’m done with this relationship” so many times I don’t know what’s her and what’s hypoglycemia talking.
She won’t get help. So now I’m looking for it.
Anyone been through this? Spouses parents or T1D’s?
T1D’s: do you apologize for lows when you’ve clearly hurt your partner?