I just opened up my A1C test result online. It was a poor decision, since it’s the middle of the night and I was already upset about something unrelated, but I wanted to be prepared for my endo appointment later this week. The A1C is the highest it’s ever been.
I’ve had a bit of a rough semester at college and I knew that my A1C wouldn’t be ideal, but I’ve had a longtime goal of 7.0% and it’s 8.7%. Suddenly, I can’t stop crying. I am telling myself all of the logical things. I can change this. I can eat fewer carbs to boost my insulin sensitivity. I can stop prioritizing things like school and convenience over making the right decisions. I can communicate with my doctor more often.
It just feels like I’ve been trying so hard already, and it’s painful to think that I’m failing. I’ve always prioritized being responsible, doing well in school, and trying to become the kind of daughter that my wonderful parents deserve to have. Why is this, my health — my most important responsibility of all — the area in which I can’t seem to get it together? Sometimes I just want to look at myself in the mirror and scream, “What is wrong with you?” The list is growing longer lately.
I know that this all reflects poorly on me. I guess I just felt like I needed someone to talk to about it. I feel so guilty and disappointed.