One year ago today

(this is what I wrote on FB early this morning. I thought I would share with all of you seeing you all have been a big part of this year for me)

 

I took my limp not conscious daughter to the ER and heard the news. She is a type one diabetic. Say what? My world came crashing down all around me. With the boys having autism and epilepsy she was my normal child. I dont think a parent of a non special needs kid can understand what the normal child does for you. You dont love your special needs kids any less and dont think of them differently but on those really hard days when you want to give up you look at the typical child and breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe its just that they are typical and you dont have to worry about that one. I am not sure but she got me a long way many times when I was feeling like I was at the end of my rope. Anyhow I had no clue what was going on with her since probably June but for sure  by October of 09. I thought she was just going through puberty and the barfing I thought was due to maybe lactose intolerance. She was always a bed wetter even tho it  seemed to be getting better before that and then worse than it had ever been. It was warm out and her classroom was warm so her drinking more water didnt seem weird. Then neither did her using the bathroom more often either. Her freaking OMG mood swings again explained away by puberty. Her weight loss which I thought was 10lbs not 22 could be explained away by the barfing and again puberty and her body changing. I did take her to the doc the day before cause she was breathing weird. He gave her a breathing treatment tested her for strep and gave her liquid antibiotics. According to everyone else that doc should have known and could have killed her. Her funny breathing was trying to blow off the ketones in her body. So the next day as I dropped the boys off at school and carried her limp body through the school I knew something wasnt right. I got her home tried to get her to eat and she kept just passing out on me and regurgitating the food. I tossed her in the shower and she still couldnt stay conscious. I got her out and got her dried off and dressed. I knew I was taking her to the ER. Nathan came home and I said this isnt right its more than strep I am taking her to the ER. So he went too. Then I hear those words "she is a type one diabetic her blood sugar is 5??" I didnt hear the rest. I just looked at her and cried. Then I held her the best I could with her laying down. I wasnt planing on letting her go. Guilt was engulfing me. Then I hear we have a choice ambulance ride or life lifted to another hospital but they would fly her if they were me. The choice is ours. Say what? In my head she is at a hospital just fix her. Tho of course they explained it without me having to say it out loud. The crew gets there and I ask if I can go which was not what I wanted to do at all I have a major fear of flying BUT a bigger fear was her waking up surrounded by weird people and not having me there with her. Thankfully she didnt wake up at all on the flight and she didnt get any worse during the flight either. I was at the hospital about 10 min after they landed. I am still amazed at how well she took the hospital stay. She never questioned the finger pokes or fought them I should say. I guess by the time she woke up her poor little fingers were use to it already. Still she was changed. I could see it in her face more so even her eyes which were already to wise looking for her age and always have been. We told her and she just nodded her head. I think right then and there she just accepted it. After we got home she only cried about it twice. I just held her and cried too. Heck I cried more than she did. Soon I was getting eye-roles for it lol. I stopped crying pretty fast tho and just accepted it  like she had and started just living again. There are times when its still hard to deal with and I thought for sure today I would be a mess. The thought of today a few days ago choked me up some but as I sit here typing this I am fine I know she will be fine too. I do my best to control her numbers and remind her even if she is high she cant grow horns and bite everyone's head off. I dont get much or good sleep anymore but the trade off it worth it to have her here with us alive. I am thankful for that. I do remind myself often that I am a mother not a pancreas. I will mess up and I will forget things. I will give her a little to much insulin and I will give her not enough. She will have good numbers and she will have bad numbers. In the end tho she is here. She will never get as sick as she was that day a year ago because we know how to not let that happen again. Yes she could get ketones and she might have to go to the ER but she will not ever be that close to deaths door again from diabetes and me just not knowing.

You're truly a "world's greatest mom". I don't know if I could handle a situation (boys with autism and epilepsy and a diabetic daughter) similar to yours as nearly as well like you have! :)

Wow, Jessica, you've had quite a year. I think you're doing amazing. P.S. Love your comment - I'm a Mom not a pancreas. Can we make shirts?

You've done a beautiful job, Jessica, and have certainly come a very long way in the last year. We are all glad to have you here. I like reading your posts, and seeing you get fired up about something always makes me smile. I love seeing a mama bear fight for her cubs :o) Congratulations on making it through the first year, the rest won't be as hard because now you've done everything once. 

Thanks all. I wrote the I am a mom not a pancreas in one of my blogs here long ago. I realized I cant make her body do what I want it to do and trying to get her numbers perfect just wasnt ever going to happen. There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. That helped me a lot. I see 316 at 3 a.m. and oh she needs a correction. I will test for ketones when she gets up. I gave it to her and now I wait for it to come down. Its going to happen and I dont need to get frazzled over it. I am very much so a momma bear and everyone knows it. Thankfully when dealing with people and situations I dont well go off the way I do here venting lol but they still know not to cross me. Now if the kids would learn that we would be good to go lol. Kidding of course. I dont feel like I do anything special I am just their mom and in my head I think every mom would be this way with all of this but I have seen that isnt so. It just breaks my heart for those kids.

Hugs to you and to Riley. You rock D-Mommy!

Hi..this is my first time here but I read your post and couldn't help but think finally someone who understands how I feel.  My son was 8 when he was diagnosed October 2009....I felt like my whole world collapsed and life as we new it was gone forever.  I live in a small town where there are a hand full of kids with Diabetes and no support groups.  I also work in the medical field (x-ray) which seems to make people think I am better able to handle this disease.  It sometimes makes it worse as I see the down side of this disease.  I will do anything for my son.  I am also a little OCD my co-workers tell me..I think that is why I get so frustrated when I can't control his numbers.  We got an Insulin pump September 9th, 2010 and we regularly test him ever 2 hours.  We are still doing this as we can't seem to get his numbers right.  What works one day and keeps him in range has him over 300's the next day !!  Today he was above 300 almost 400 all day long, except after correction doses.  I only want him to have a long happy life with as few complications as possible but I have become obsessed with getting his numbers perfect.  My husband and I take turns testing him during the night but even when my husband tests him I lie there awake waiting for him to come back so I know what his number was.  I am constantly going over his numbers and try not to call his specialist unless I get to the point of frustration and feel totally useless. 

I do remember back a year ago thinking I would NEVER be able to calculate doses and now I just keep telling myself that a year from now I'll look back and think....I remember when I thought I would never be able to get the numbers right on his pump or be able to sleep again !!!  Hopefully it won't take a year.

Thank you for letting me vent....good luck  :-)

Hi and breathe! I am in the mind set while the high numbers are frustrating I am not going to let them control her or me. I am doing what I need to do but I am not stressing on the numbers. If she is high she is high. If she has complications later she has them. I want her to have along healthy life but that isnt guaranteed D or not. I know I am doing all I can for her and like I said I am a  mom not a pancreas and even so I am doing a better job than her pancreas is doing. I will not let this control us and I know good and well we cant control it. Everyday is different with adjusting there is no set for her. I up and lower her insulin like nobodies business and we still only get in range numbers for about a week or two each month. It all depends. I dont stress on it tho. I know if I am she will and she doesnt need that heck I dont need that. So we live and adjust day to day shrug off the highs and treat the lows. I cross my fingers ones she is done being a kid and done with puberty it will get better for her. I had to let alot go so I can help her grow into a happy,mentally healthy, and hopefully physically well balanced adult.