Student government essay helpp!

ok so i am filling out an application  for student government and you have 2 write to essays the first 1 you have to write about an idea you would like to see student government pursue..........i want student government to pursue celebarting world diabetes day or month. and educate people more . i have writen a few paragraphs but i feel like im babbaling i will show it to u guys any comments or suggestions will be appreciated.....asap lol

Application#14

 

An idea that I would like to see the Student Government pursue witch would enhance the over all experience at Murphy is to raise awarness for type one diabetes. Almost everyone has donated at least one dollar or more to research for cancer foundations such as Pennies For Patients, American Cancer Society. Avon Walk For Beauty and more. Have you donated money to JDRF? Let alone do you even know what JDRF is? Well most people don’t, wich needs to change.

   My plans for raising awarness for type one diabetes will enhace the over all experience at Murphy because most kids at Murphy are not educated about this disease, I feel like if Student Government achieves educating Murphy about type one diabetes children will be educated and no longer make rude and un-educated  comments about this disease and realize that thos disease is just as important as cancer.

        There are many ways I would organize and implement my idea, such as celebrating national diabetes month and or national diabetes day. National diabetes day is on November,14 this day is celebrated to educate people about this disease. There are many different ways to organize this such as putting jars in students first period home room. One way to educate people further about this disease

 

 

 

A couple spelling mistakes like the word "which" are the only things i see wrong with this. it's very good :)

might be an idea to mention how diabetes affects you, stories of people not having knowledge about it and making unfair assumptions makes you feel, what a better knowledge of JDRF would mean to you, etc

would give it a more personal touch and give it a bit more meaning :)

More spelling error

An idea that I would like to see the Student Government pursue witch would enhance the over all experience at Murphy is to raise awarness for type one diabetes. Almost everyone has donated at least one dollar or more to research for cancer foundations such as Pennies For Patients, American Cancer Society. Avon Walk For Beauty and more. Have you donated money to JDRF? Let alone do you even know what JDRF is? Well most people don’t, wich needs to change.

My plans for raising awarness for type one diabetes will enhace the over all experience at Murphy because most kids at Murphy are not educated about this disease, I feel like if Student Government achieves educating Murphy about type one diabetes children will be educated and no longer make rude and un-educated comments about this disease and realize that thos disease is just as important as cancer.

There are many ways I would organize and implement my paper writing idea, such as celebrating national diabetes month and or national diabetes day. National diabetes day is on November,14 this day is celebrated to educate people about this disease. There are many different ways to organize this such as putting jars in students first period home room. One way to educate people further about this disease.

It might be a good idea to state how many children in your school or school district have type 1 and state a little about the disease such as that it is an autoimmune disorder.

You might what to speak from personal experience what kinds of rude or ignorant comments you have personally endured.

I would change the word "important" to life changing. Overall should be one word. Wich should be which.

Run it through the spell checker too. There should be a new sentence after 14.

The last sentence can be deleted.