From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I was happy to invite you to the company Christmas Party on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There was to be a cash bar, a small band playing
traditional carols, and our CEO dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree, gift exchanges up to $10.
However, in no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees so from now on we're calling it our " Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians
and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. And there
will no gift exchange since union members feel that $10.00 is too much
and the executives believe it is a little chintzy.
And I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month
of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party or package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently
because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot
control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests
that people with high blood pressure taste a bite
first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics,
but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
You vegetarian pricks can sit quietly at the table furthest from
the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. The rest of you f*%^ing
wierdos can kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The B*tch from H*ll!!!