So we're six months into this. The new normal is normal now. But tonight I'm just sooo sad and crying. My whole family has been away today and won't be back for another hour. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to get myself together. How do I make my eyes not red? I'm okay. I just want to hear from some other parents. I feel stupid in some ways for feeling this way when my son is 15 and so many of you are parents of little ones with this disease.
I think I just don't have enough time to myself. Today TODAY I finally cleaned up piles of stuff that has accumulated in my bedroom since the day before my son got sick six months ago. He and I had just returned from a trip to Rome with other Latin students over spring break. We'd been back 24 hours when he violently got sick. I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to look at the receipts in Italian or other keepsakes without feeling sick in my heart. And then all the diabetes literature we got in the hospital. The useful stuff I've used. The non-useful stuff (material too young for my son, for example) just piled on top of the stuff from Rome.
So my son was off in one direction today and my husband and other son off in another. I was glad for the time alone and I got a lot done. Maybe I knew I needed to be alone to get this stuff cleaned up. But now, I feel like my heart is broken all over again.
My son is great. He's never been the most organized kid in the world and that carries over to all his diabetes junk. But he takes care of himself. I think he stresses more about schoolwork than he does about diabetes. He's blessed to be one of those people who doesn't worry too much and is generally happy. He was like that before diabetes, and diabetes hasn't changed that. I wish I was like that.
What is my point? I don't go around crying on a regular basis. I think the last time I can remember being really upset was July 4th--the first time he was gone a whole day with friends and really screwed up his numbers. We texted and talked on the cell so many times that night, because he was spending the night with a friend but was had a low low followed by highs that wouldn't stop. This morning when I dropped him off at school to meet up with some friends, he asked if he should call for any highs or lows. I told him only if it was something he didn't feel he could handle. So we've texted several times tonight----about college football scores that he wanted to know! And I did doublecheck that he'd done his Lantus because he's out so late and usually does that at home. So life is good. And I'm still crying that he's got this stupid disease!!
I think I just spend so much time dealing with life and the day-to-day that I haven't finished emotionally dealing with the diagnosis. When will I be done? I was hoping that a clean room would be a clean start. And instead I'm just falling apart.
Okay, 50 minutes till I have to go pick him up. Guess I should go find a distraction.