ok, so trying with T1 bites. and i will vent here.
first baby- yes we are blessed with a little guy- tried for 2 years and 2 miscarriages. diagnosed with diabetes during that pregnancy and with T1 after baby boy arrived. it wasn't fun, but he is our little gift from heaven.
now we are trying for #2. infertility with baby 1 was horrendous, but it was nothing compared to baby 2. the primary difference is the T1.
i am really anal. while trying, i feel the need to keep my bg's perfect every second of every day or i freak. for over a year now i have beat myself up over every 'bad bg', even a bg that isn't bad but isn't perfect for someone who could be pregnant. with a 5.1% A1C, my bg's are pretty dang good. they better be, i am constantly testing and painstakingly panicking over them. it is stupid.
the end of the month comes and i am always convinced i am pregnant- 2 days late and 15 pregnancy tests later i am not pregnant. i fall apart. i am a failure again. my body sucks. what is wrong with me? i work soooooo hard, i try soooo hard, but no. so i get all depressed and beat the crap outta my body for 6 or 7 days while i have my period. i eat junk and spike and plummet. my bg's suffer. i feel terrible because i am in great control 75% of the time so this up down thing throws me for a loop. i cry and wallow in self pity.
period is gone, and it starts all over again.
in december we got an extra loop thrown into the mix. that's right, we actually got pregnant. we were going to announce it at christmas to everyone. a few days before christmas we lost it. i was a basket case. why does my body hate me?
it doesn't help that we are at 'that age'. between nov to jan we had 13 new babies born from friends. since then we know of at least 8 more on the way. people who don't know are always saying it's time for baby boy to have a sibling. heck, baby boy is now 2 1/2 and telling people that "my mommy has a baby too!".
if one more person tells me i have to relax and it will just happen i think i might explode. i know that if by some miracle i am able to get pregnant again and if i have 1 bad bg and miscarry i will blame myself. at least with december baby i know i was in perfect control and nothing i could have done would have made it better. i need to be honest with myself though- 75% of the time i miscarry. that's not good odds for anyone.
so, for now, i am just praying. praying that it happens or we can, as a family, accept that it won't. praying that if we are meant to adopt that somehow we have the means to adopt. and praying that someday, my entire family will be together- all 6 of us.